Friday, March 1, 2013

A Brief History Of (My Drug) Time: pt.1

Breathe it in and breathe it out

And pass it on, it's almost out
We're so creative, so much more
We're high above but on the floor


My high school years were spent in a very white, affluent neighborhood. One would guess that PRx meds would be our drug of choice but we weren’t progressive enough for pharm-parties. At 14 I began smoking weed on the regular*. Acid & Magic Mushrooms came into play shortly thereafter and many a night did my mother talk me down from bad trips. There were many good trips too: trips where I saw colors, shapes and believed abstractions that were beyond your wildest imagination. The paradox that I stopped believing in God during that time is bewildering since I’m quite certain God was shown to me through those hallucinations. I befriended a guy whose specialty was making a euphonious salad of Cocaine, Marijuana and Hash rolled into cigar paper- creating an elevated high. On my 16th birthday, I toked long and hard on one of these delightful blunts and strolled into my designated family celebration half an hour late. Without a word or apology, I crashed face-first into my steak dinner. My father dragged me by the arm and locked me in my room. My mother cried. My sister was heartsick. I fell asleep quite peacefully and became a vegetarian soon after.
Over the years I stopped my weekend regimen of hallucinogenics & focused on weed smoking. If at a party where Mushrooms were on the menu, I would partake but I didn’t actively seek it out. (I decided I was through with Acid after a traumatic 3-day trip on Triples [fitting] when not only chunks of my brain were fried but parts of my ardor which cannot be recovered.) While living in New York City in my early 20’s, I discovered my love for snorting cocaine. I also discovered it turns me into a lesbian while the hangover from it incites (for me) suicidal ideation (not because of afore mentioned gayness). I stopped doing blow for many years, but continued to smoke weed (and sometimes act like a lesbionic). I love weed. I’ll always love weed. In my early 30’s I had a herniated disk in my back & was prescribed a series of opiates. I loved them passionately even though I was supposed to be finished with them. That's my game re: drugs & dudes, lovers... I also figured I had matured enough to handle the high & lows of blow again but only sometimes.
Let us not cosign booze to oblivion.  On paper I am an alcoholic. Because of the nature of my work alcohol is readily available. I won’t crucify myself for enjoying a cocktail  (usually a glass of wine) with a friend but rarely would it be just one- usually it turns into about 4 or 5 (amateur hour) or 15 and often ensued by a blackout. I’ve been extremely entertaining during such syncope- ask my entourage. I’ve also been garish, destructive and dishonest. There are however nights I’ll not drink at all or merely enjoy a single glass of Merlot. Rarely has a blog post been composed without smoking a joint 1st (unless counting hospital stays). I’d be hard pressed to pick a post written sans the anabolism of weed. God I love weed.
Perhaps it’s an inane ideal, but I admire high-functioning potheads. I used to be one.  
No one thinks I should get high or drink. Everyone around me can see the negative effects it causes on my psyche, which is already unsympathetically affected by manic depression. I self-medicate to not feel pain and because fun is awesome. Eventually it amplifies the pain. Then I self-medicate some more. I’m like a dog chasing its tail.
My medical team is in agreement: they want me to complete a detox/substance-abuse program after I finish in the mood and anxiety program. That’s a lot of time as an inpatient.
What I really feel like doing is putting my feet up, taking a Norco, smoking a spliff and having a nice chilled glass of Viognier. Wouldn’t that be nice? Oh yeah it fucking would.
*it should be noted I was diagnosed with Manic Depression at 14 years old. 

ps. past 2 days very anxious at night. stuttering non-stop. not fun, can't talk. can only write. 


Post a Comment