Saturday, March 9, 2013

Bake+Knit+Watch MurderShows/SportsX2=Weekends

Open your eyes
Look within
Are you satisfied
With the life you're living?
-Bob Marley 

I couldn’t sleep last night. I read some of my blog posts in retrospective, but this one ( I found to be particularly benumbing.
I’m glad for having documented my journey into madness as (try to) climb out of the grave I dug for myself. I think the combination of my writing and taphephobia may be saving me (along with a heavy cocktail of PRx, daily therapy, constant medical supervision and abstinence from drugs & alcohol). It breaks my heart to commemorate my abstract despair. I’m at day 40 in the hospital and I have 38 more days to go. I don’t mind being in. I’m not on a form anymore, which means legally I can discharge myself, and leave when I please. I don’t want to leave. I want to properly learn how to manage this disease and live a balanced life. Every time I feel like having a drink, S-ing a J or laying in bed in the dark all day I remind myself that if I want my life to change, I need to do things differently. What I was doing simply wasn’t working for me anymore. I don’t want to be the way I was anymore. What’s helped me the most as I try to repair my damaged self is the realization that happiness is an illusion. It doesn’t exist. I can’t chase it anymore- it’s not palpable. This moment, the one we’re in, is the only one that matters. The more I hold to that concept the calmer and more grounded I feel.
God I must sound boring. I am boring. I spend my weekends knitting, baking, drinking tea, tending to the plants, watching sports and murder-shows (I get weekend passes from the hospital). No more partying in LA- instead my friend & I went for organic-vegan dinner at 6pm on a Friday night & clinked our kale-juice smoothies toasting ourselves. 
Somehow I will find a balance.
The thing is I like living this way. I’m enjoying trying to live.
Trying to die is emotionally & physically exhausting. It’s agonizing to live through & excruciating to watch.
And nobody ever has a choice in the matter.



Claire I sent you a text maybe a month ago after hearing the Ari podcast but not sure you received it or if you have the same #.

Just wanted to say I love you and thinking of you. Keep getting better.

Jay (Jay Hollingsworth if you can't remember....

Jennifer said...

My hero is Clarie! As Miss T says "you can do it" well she says "I can do it" but the idea is there. Thinking of you hope to see you soon and I am keeping my eye open for places for you are ready to move in the 'hood.

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