Sunday, March 31, 2013

How Babies Get Made


When i get mad
And i get pissed
I grab my pen
And i write out a list
Of all the people
That won't be missed
You've made my shitlist  
-L7, "Shitlist"
Male-comics doing jokes about women’s periods is something that’s burned my beaver since I knew what stand-up comedy was. Since it’s been lauded as clich├ęd or gross for us ladies to do bits about it, why it’s cool for douchebag dude-comedians to do them is beyond me. Especially since it’s the same two themes said with (slightly) different words, no originality among them: women are either “crazy” or “bitches” or constantly crying & emotionally disturbed during/before we start menstruating, OR: if men bled for a few days from their dong-hole how sure we could all be about how that’s all the material they would need to stay afloat on a comedy stage. I find it insipid, offensive and cheap. I expect more.

There’s nothing that I won’t make jokes about, especially PMS. The more hellish something is for me, the darker & deeper I make fun of it. Say I’m deflecting all you want, it’s how I roll. 

As I have stated before in classifying my mood disorder(s), I suffer from Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder AKA: PMDD. This means that I can literally go psychotic before I get my period & usually when I break in such a way it’s during this follicular phase. Not only do I want to shove every piece of shitty food down my burger-hole- I get hyperinsomnia, panic attacks, manic sexual desire and severe mood swings- I can pendulate to the low point of suicidal ideation & often do during this time. It is the reason that my doctors have put me on anti-psychotics. I couldn’t bear to live ¼ of my life wanting to fucking die even at the best of times (I also indulge quite an orchestra of holistic-based vitamins & exercise). It’s like a crash-course in bi-polar disorder in 3-5 days.

It scares me to think what would happen to me if/when I get pregnant. Sometimes I think I could never be a fit mother because of my illness (& terrified of passing it on) let alone carry the child inside me. If my emotional balance is that sensitive to hormonal changes as it is, how could my body & spirit handle pregnancy? Psychiatrists have assured me that when I cross that wobbly bridge I will be well  & constantly supervised. That again, makes me second-guess my desire to bear children. I might be unfit and it might be unfair. I realize I needn’t worry about it now, but I’m a 36 year old woman & my expiry date is on the horizon. I don’t need kids but I want them. Not now, but one day.

Maybe I’ll need to get a partner, first. Before that even, I just have to get through this next 5 days of binge eating, sleeping & trying to tear my own face off of my scalp.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'll have your babies! ;)

Anonymous said...

Maybe get a doc to check your thyroid readings... It's responsible for a lot of post-natal depression and could be causing the excessive monthly mood swings you're having.

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