Saturday, March 30, 2013

Life Can Be A GOOD Piece Of Shit.

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow
Forget about your sin
Give the audience a grin
Enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow
-Monty Python's Life Of Brian

I've always been a bit of an open wound but lately I can turn on the waterworks like a pro. There's something I find inherently sad about anything happy. (Not to depress you) but even in the spring I know the fall (& then winter, again) will arrive before I know it. Perhaps it's because I'm bi-polar, too romantic or maybe it's because I'm most comfortable in melancholy.
Today I went to get my hair permanently colored blue. As I've mentioned before this is something I've wanted to do for a very long time. I found a little Greek mom & pop beauty-shop near my sister's place that agreed to do it (I had my own blue hair-dye) for a cheap price. They were curious, kind & regretful. They fed me Greek coffee after coffee & promised me a lollipop if I behaved. Though they kept insisting blue wasn't in fact the color that I wanted (I remained adamant) they tinted my frock with the perfect cobalt hue. As I sat with my head wrapped in plastic waiting for the final result- knowing I was getting just what I wanted- I began to tear up. Sometimes I wonder if I'm simply unfit to appreciate happiness. I shielded my face for want of showing off my crazy (that's the reason I'm so often clad in turtle-necks if you're wondering).
Yesterday I held my friends' beautiful 4 month old baby-boy in my arms for a short half-hour. Again, tears willfully spilled down my cheeks. I knew he was untouched by the world's inevitable despair & wished so much he would ever be so.
I know there is so much good in this world. I see it in my sister's household on a daily basis. However when I return to the hospital for addiction meetings & out-patient mood-disorder therapy, it's a giant reminder like a sign on the side of the freeway that sadness is creeping it's way past the happy at the next turn like a big, gross McDonald's restaurant. It's why I've always had such a soft-spot for Darth Vader. I get him. He was born good but turned bad because of how life treated him. Who knows which one of us wouldn't turn into the darkest Sith Lord in the galaxy if we'd put up with enough pain & loss? In the end, good won out- as we all know- when he sacrificed himself for his son. Will good win out with me? I suppose so if such is the way I look at life.
After all, life is quite absurd & death's the final word. And I got a lollipop.


Anonymous said...

The Force is strong in you, Luke. I mean Claire! Can`t wait to see that purple hair! :)


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