Thursday, May 9, 2013

Put a Little Love In My Heart

"Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think- I'm not going to make it- but you laugh inside, remembering all the times you've felt that way."
-Charles Bukowski
i've been thinking about my heart. my physical & ethereal heart. sometimes it astounds me that it's still beating (either one/both). i've been awful to it over the years. as long afore mentioned, i have a heart condition. it's not critical- just a little murmur to remind me i follow to a different beat. i've done so many horrible things to my heart… i smoke a pack of cigarettes per day, i've taken cocaine, adderall, benzos & booze (sometimes at the same time) been too fat, been too thin… i've tried to stop it several times & twice it's crapped out on me. who could blame it, really? i've loved men who were horrible for/to me, i've been awful to people/myself, i've felt it lift and sink, explode & implode. i've given it a tough go, never really appreciating that it's literally the core of my being and without it i'd be nowhere & nothing but worm-food. it's led me places i never thought i'd go, at times astray & been wrong often. it's not my heart's fault, it only does what it can.
i woke up last night remembering a time last summer when i had taken too many drugs. it was the afternoon & i was trying to get some writing done but feeling lazy & uninspired i smoked weed & took way too many uppers. i needed badly to be talked down but my heart wouldn't allow for reason or wellness in any way. it was pounding on my ribs as if to crack them at a pace that would embarrass lightening. i didn't want to go to the hospital because i was ashamed of myself. i was crashing while simultaneously flying high as a kite. i was staying at a friend's place & vowed to not die in his home. i swallowed 2 ativan (which was probably stupid, to pile drugs on top of drugs…) took some deep breaths, had a glass of water & willed myself to calm the fuck down. it took about 45 minutes for me to know for sure i wasn't going to have a heart-attack on my buddy's kitchen floor. i have been known to respond dramatically to situations (no, really. believe it.) & maybe that's all this was. it just struck me last night of how shittily my heart felt that day on a deep physical & emotional level. I could ask myself why i would treat myself that way but that's the good stuff i save for my shrink.
i know i have to quit smoking & i know i have to quit loving the wrong man. it's killing me. it's killing my heart. my little heart, that's only & ever trying to make me live.


Anonymous said...

Love your littld heart and it will lead you in the right way :)

Anonymous said...

damnit little*

Anonymous said...

I love reading your posts and I don't even know you

ClaireElyse Brosseau said...

yay! thank you! x

Hannah Mary said...

Ah, I think I've been emailing you when I just meant to comment on your blog. Any way, you might think I'm stalking you, I just love your writing, (and I'm stalking you). You inspire me!

Anonymous said...

Don't know you, enjoy your reflective wit and your good honest heart...follow it and it will treat you well....keep "ticking"

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