Friday, May 3, 2013

When The Cucumber Becomes The Pickle

...Maybe I'm mistaken expecting you to fight
Or maybe I'm just crazy, I don't know wrong from right
But while I am still living, I've just got this to say
It's always up to you if you want to be that
Want to see that
Want to see that way
You're coming along…
-Supertramp, "School"

Today is my 96th day of sobriety. When people ask me how that is, I tell them the truth: It's boring. I'm still on the fence as to whether or not I'm an addict/alcoholic but one thing is certain: it's not good for me to use or drink. Although it allows me to loose most inhibitions, tell truths that otherwise I might keep to myself, not dance when I hear a song I love… It also means I'm allowing my medication a chance to do what it's supposed to, inhume messages that shouldn't be let out into the universe, not wake up wishing I was dead & focus in a more lucid way. I feel less funny. This is a fallacy that will be put to rest as soon as I get back up on a comedy stage (which is happening soon). I feel more awkward in social situations where drinks are involved & running errands on a normal day is less exciting when I'm not high. It seems to me however, that I have a clearer voice inside me guiding me through the murky waters of what's right and wrong for me. That voice was muffled by alcohol and drugs for a long time. I always thought substances were opening my mind- and in many ways they did- but after a (long) while they worked as a silencer. I have decided that if I am going to live- if I am going to be a person on planet earth for a few of more decades then I'd like to be the best person I can be- offer my best service to others.
Sounds nice, doesn't it? Uh huh.
Though my mind is clear(er), my heart is light(er) & decisions are coming (more) easily… there are still poisons I can't seem to rid my system of. I try my best to ingest healthy food, water, meditate, go to 12-step meetings, see my doctor/therapist, take my PRxs properly, sleep well, surround myself with people who I love, educate myself, get fired up… but I still want things that are wrong, unfair & unhealthy.
I have a prodigious non-love affair with a married man. I imagine my future with him, want his children and want to tell him all of this- though unquestionably he knows.  Anyone who knows us thinks we should be together and this has been the case for ever. Our chemistry could light the Rain Forests on fire. He's seen me at my very worst, has championed me through my successes, has made me laugh while concurrently breaking my heart. I only want for his happiness & mine, however that may happen. I could never inject myself into his relationship nor would I want anything with him to be born from a dirty little secret. He has his life and I have mine, I just wish we shared one. This isn't me being crazy- it's been a saga over the years and has stayed in my heart through sickness and health. We have fluted in and out of each other's lives for over a decade and we are but two passing ships in the night.
This is all wrong and all bad and still I want it. If it is to be, it will be. Meanwhile, I do nothing. I ignore the incontrovertible affection when we are together & act appropriately.
Deep inside I still want what's not right, whether sober, fucked-up, sick or healthy. I'm in my element while destroying myself.

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Simon Rakoff said...

Brave, strong and beautiful.

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