Wednesday, June 26, 2013

A Hookah Smoking Caterpillar


“Remember what the doormouse said;
Feed your head...
Feed your head"
- Jefferson Airplane “White Rabbit”

They say if you want to keep ascending the numbers of readers for your blog you should post approximately every three days. Throughout my initial recovery & release from the mental institution (as well as during my “Manbbatical”) I tried steadfastly to adhere to that rule. Recently however, it’s becoming increasingly difficult. 
It’s not that I don’t want to write (I do) nor is it I have nothing to say (I do!). As my cleanliness & sobriety take my life on a positive new path, unfortunately I feel less creative, less insightful & more tongue-tied than I did while I was using. Until my most recent stay at the psychiatric hospital, never a blog was posted without me being high & at least slightly drunk.
During that time my mind felt so open- I felt so open. Like a fresh wound ready to absorb any good or bad willing to infect or cure me. It was romantic. I saw art, film, television, comedy & sports in a different way. I FELT it, I GOT it. It felt as though it was all meant just for me, I was in on the secret of the world. It filled my body up with such palpable emotion… Now I feel lost without it. I’m completely paralyzed with anxiety socially & I never knew I had such an intense defect. Drugs & booze made everything easier, while simultaneously making me deathly sick. I know I have many benders left in me but am hyper-aware that I am bankrupt of recoveries. So are my family & close friends.
 I know I’ll get my creativity back & it will be clearer & craftier than ever before. I’ll be more comfortable in my skin & it gets better every day. I realize that this is the most transitional period in my life so far & I’m learning so many lessons that enrich me. In the meantime it’s agonizing & amazing trying to figure myself out as a balanced, healthy person. As my psychiatrist said so well to me this morning, “it’s like you’ve been eating spicy food all of your life & now you’ve got to get used to tasting without the hot-sauce”. Eventually I’ll appreciate the flavors, on their own.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am so awesomely proud of your strength Clairey! You are on the right path! XO Mom

Anonymous said...

The creativeness will come back to you, it's like riding a bike, you will never forget.

Anonymous said...

Hi Claire. This is Nikki. I don't know how to work this thing, so now I'm anonymous. Anyway, I've been reading your blog since Manbatical, and the sober writing is just as engaging as the stuff before it. In fact, I'd say there is a depth and vulnerability in it now that makes it more so. Keep chugg'in along choo choo!

M said...

When your blog lights my newsfeed normally so full of celebratory bragging and posing I am thrilled... not cause I adore you & your friendship, nor the insight and humour that are always a part of everything you do, but it's your honesty that makes me so relish the reading. It is freeing and elevating. I always knew you would do it.
Much love
M

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