Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Forever In Blue Jeans

"I'm tired of feeling like I'm fucking crazy
I'm tired of driving 'til I see stars in my eyes
It's all I've got to keep myself sane, baby
So I just ride, I just ride"

-Ride, Lana Del Rey

People often tell me that they're proud of what I've accomplished over the past six months (sobriety, finding balance while living with a mood disorder…) & usually I brush it off. So much of it has gone more smoothly than I ever would've imagined. This happens when I live in the moment- which is tough to do- for as we know the only people that live veritably in the moment are actors & Jedis. I also have countless resources (the Center for Addiction & Mental Health, Drs., family, friends, my sponsor & AA, etc…) to fall back on when I feel myself peering down the rabbit hole. There are days that are more difficult than others but such is life for even the most normal of normals.
I shouldn't deride their pride in me. I've been bipolar, using & drinking for the past 22 years & getting to know myself as a normal is inscrutable to say the least. Being in social situations, being intimate with men, going to the gym, dealing with logistical bullshit are all things I'm not used to doing while clear-minded. This amplifies my anxiety which I try desperately to overcome by holistic measures. I know that I am a better person for all of this effort. I'm able to make decisions that will benefit not only myself, but those who surround me.
There are so many things that've changed, & yet so much has stayed the same. I don't need to drink or get high to have fun & I love watching my friends get drunk & stoned. I'm perhaps the vainest person you know, & as well the most selfish. I'm also extremely generous, kind & gentle when I want to be. I fucking love dancing & I always have music playing. I love men that are all wrong for me for countless reasons. I love God. Yes, I said it. Get the fuck into it. I love going to the baseball game. I was made to perform & I love to be heard. I would hide a body for any one of the people I love- no questions asked. I hate judgey people. I fall in love every time I take the subway. I need structure in my life. My favorite outfit is a t-shirt & jeans (I'd like to be buried in that, please take note). I don't steal but I think about it all the time. i fall asleep listening to sad music nearly every night. I cry on the treadmill. I drink chocolate milk every day. I smoke a pack of cigarettes every day. I'm terribly insecure while being intensely confident. I get free stuff often due to my charm (which is merely a trick to get people to like me). I spend more money than I have. 90% of my thoughts revolve around having sex. I get crushes on girls all the time but don't like vaginas (*other people's) so I don't think I'm gay. When I love a friend, I love the fucking shit out of them. There's no in-between. Anthropomorphism is the most enjoyable form of entertainment. I'm scared/obsessed with guns.
See? I'm still the same Clairey while simultaneously being an opposite Clairey. This is all very confusing & delightful.

1 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think it takes such huge balls to be so honest about who you are...
I'm a bit jealous!

I wish I could do this!
You are awesome in so many ways!

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