Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Look At Me, I'm Perfect.

This post is dedicated to my best friend. 
There are a lot of things wrong with me but one thing that has always been right is my face.
If you’ve ever seen my face, you’ll know it’s quite something. It’s not perfectly symmetrical (the definition of true beauty) but my straight nose, big eyes & carved cheekbones have been few of my features that never really let me down. What’s that? I sound full of myself? Just look at my face. Look at it. It’s pretty goddamned good. You might not like it but what can I do about that?
When I put weight on (I’m 5”9 & over the past 15 years I’ve swung between 135lbs & 203lbs) it’s more difficult to see the definition between my jaw line & my neck. You can still see my strong features hiding under the layer of French toast seemingly plastered to my throat.
Regardless of it’s glamour and stark effulgence (that’s right, I said it), I’ve been slowly & secretly defacing myself all of my adult life. I pick the hair out of my right, perfectly manicured & arched eyebrow. I can’t stop. It scabs & bleeds & I want to pick at it more. I’m missing half the fur on my face & I can’t stop myself.
This condition is called Trichotillomania. It is an impulse control disorder to add to the heaping pile of my pathos & social/functional impairments. God it feels so good just to tug & pull & scratch at the tiny hairs outlining my eye. It drives my best friend crazy. She constantly slaps my hand away from my face begging me to stop. Even for her sake, I cannot.
My solution to this problem is eyebrow pencil. No one can tell that half of my eyebrow is a fake, as the brown hue colors in the bald spots, camouflaging what’s not really there in the first place.
You may be thinking to yourself, “What’s the point to this post, Claire? Who cares about your perfect face that you insists on wrecking?” There is no point.
No real point but to say that despite my slow ascending recovery, I still like to take what’s great about me & make it ugly. However it’s what makes me… well, me. I’m trying not to pick out my eyebrow hair. I want to leave my face the way it’s meant to be seen.
I think this is how it’s meant to be seen: what I’ve defaced about it is what makes it beautiful.


Anonymous said...

Whoever your best friend is.., give her and yourself a hug... Hope you and your eyebrows hang in there!

Nicholas said...

Hi Claire, it's Nicholas Little. I've read you blog for ages and am always better for it. I saw this book review in the paper today and thought you may be interested: One particular line reminded me of you and describes why, I think, I keep coming back to read more of your blog: "To write a memoir, we are told, involves the ability to betray people. Here the main person [Claire] betrays is herself, and she does so with wit, irony and pathos." You've given me a lot to reflect on about my own inner world by being so fearless in publicly reflecting on your own, Claire. Much love to you!

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