Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Missing The Forest For The Trees

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Fezzik: Why do you wear a mask? Were you burned by acid, or something like that?
Man in Black: Oh no, it's just that they're terribly comfortable. I think everyone will be wearing them in the future.”
-The Princess Bride

As some of you know, 12-step programs require rigorous honesty- sincerity to the fellowship, to our spiritual advisor & most importantly with ourselves. Step four requires that we take a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. To some, this may not seem so difficult. Sure, most of us are aware of our downfalls, but addicts/alcoholics have many defects of character of which most of us have either hung ourselves on the cross for, if not been completely & selfishly oblivious to them. Either and both accounts of this type of deniability & self-pity are toxic.
One of my (many) imperfections is that I often want what I can’t have instead of enjoying my (many) blessings. It’s the reason why I couldn’t believe in God for so long- I blamed Him/Her/It/Them for denying me what I wanted. My life would be better if I had that job or that man, or that waist size. I wanted to stay to live in Los Angeles but what I need is to be close to my family & my doctors. What I couldn’t accept is that I had what I needed. It’s profoundly confusing to me that what I need and what I want can be at such opposing ends of the spectrum.
I’ll use the simplest/most difficult example I can think of: If you’re an avid reader of my blog, you know that I’m boy-crazy. I don’t often fall very hard but when I do, a shitstorm ensues if the object of my affection doesn’t return the love. I crucify myself for not being wantable, manipulate him to try to change his mind and consume my brain space with ways I could make it a go. Years later, I’m relived it didn’t work out & can clearly see the fire-swamp that I avoided.
My wish for myself is that my wants and needs can live harmoniously. After all, I can’t always get what I want. But if I try sometime, I just might find I get what I need.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Claire,
"Yesterday is but a dream,
Tomorrow is only a vision,
But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a vision of hope."
Stan

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blogs for sometime, and I must say this was one of the most inspirational...all should take note...I pray God and the Holy Spirit continue to walk beside you as you continue on your life's journey

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