Monday, January 27, 2014

I Wish I May I Wish I Might


There’s an expression in 12-step programs for people who are relatively new to sobriety called “pink-clouding”. It refers to the fog of drug & alcohol lifting, when everything in your life seems to be turning in the right direction, headed for the best. It’s the time that comes before the realization that all of the pain & suffering that you diluted in the past creeps back up into your body & solidifies around your heart like plaque before you have a heart-attack. It’s best to ride on this pink-cloud for as long as you can because when it dissipates, you crash & fall to the earth with a long, painful tumble that results in a broken spirit. I remember that pink-cloud & wish with my entire being I could climb back up to its warm, protective layering & colorful climate.
Wishing gets you nowhere. I wish it did.
It’s no secret that lately I’ve been feeling less than zero. I feel old, irrelevant  & unaccomplished in every aspect.  I feel like I have to build myself a whole new foundation & I’m not sure I’m up to the task. Lately I’ve had to comb through several past (work) projects of mine. For someone who was high & drunk most of the time it sure seems like I got a lot more done than I am currently, in my sober state. I had a steady, multifarious blog following. I was funny- performing stand-up comedy at festivals & on tour. I was writing scripts & getting hired as an actor. I was dating. There seemed to be tangible aspects of my life for me to grab onto like a life preserver. It makes no sense to me now, seeing all of those things floating further & further away from me- how could I have wanted to die all the time when I had so much to live for? And what now? I know I should be “proud” of myself for staying clean/sober, but I can’t help but blame sobriety for my current lack of motivation & creativity or general apathy. It’s the thing that wasn’t there before and is now & I don’t really believe in coincidences. Perhaps sobriety isn’t the culprit & I’m placing blame unfairly but I’m really starting to resent it. What’s so good about feeling feelings & living organically through the pain if I’m unemployed, single & miserable? Am I doomed for a lifetime of misery regardless of what I do? Many addict/alcoholics lose everything by the time they hit rock bottom.  I’ve lost it all during this period of rehabilitation.  Wah. Poor me. I still have a roof over my head, an amazing support system & talent- lurking in some dark fold of my being (I hope?).
Why is happiness so elusive while sadness is justifiable?
Whether it’s the fog of wild behavior I winnowed or the pink cloud I got to sit on, it was better than freefalling.

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