Thursday, January 16, 2014

Party Girl.

"...I want to play guitar
And be a movie star
Be in the b-movies
And take off all my clothes
Who do you want me to be
Who do I wanna be
Who do you want me to be
Get fuckin' loaded..."

-Bran Van 3000, "Loaded"

I was at a guy's house years ago & there a friend referred to me as a "party girl". It infuriated me. It came from a dude who had known me (relatively) well for approximately a decade (I dated his brother for a while & had always secretly admonished myself for choosing the wrong bro/not having had a threesome with them). How could he possibly call me that?
"Party girls" are known for one thing- PARTYING- & I had always regarded myself as so much more. It cut me extra deeply because this was a man who's opinion I valued & venerated. Here we sat, cradling our beers, smoking weed & inhaling bump after bump & he thought I was a party girl. The nerve! He didn't mean it as an insult, he was point-blank describing to me what I was & could not see for myself. I think he thought I might be flattered. Party girls are a good time! Who doesn't want to be known for being a good time?!
Party girls rarely get taken seriously unless in the middle of a serious blow-job. Though I spent huge chunks of my life trying to make you laugh, I also wanted to be regarded with respect that ran deeply. It's not a fair request however, if I'm not behaving in a considerate manner. Beyond that it's pretty egoistic to imagine that you think of me at all. A wise man once told me that at best, the world is indifferent to us. When this guy described me as a party girl I knew that he had an opinion of me which may have been shared by others & I didn't like it. "Hilarious comic", "talented actor" or "great friend" were more in the vein of what I was hoping for if you're going to include me in your thoughts. I could've been more poorly classified: he didn't call me an asshole… did he? I've been thinking about the irony in what he said since lately I often feel like I suck the life out of every room I walk into. I fear I have turned into the anti-party-girl. I wonder what he would say if he could see me now.
I was good at partying. So good I continuously tried to die for the cause. Maybe the reason I'm struggling so much lately is that I did identify myself as a party girl despite myself. Now I don't know what trademark to stamp myself with. It would be so freeing if I could recognize that if I don't want you to label me & put me in a little box that I shouldn't do it to myself. Little boxes are cramped & there's nowhere to stretch out & explore, no room to breathe. I have been, am & will be a lot of different things. A party girl may be one of those epithets. And the truth is, at the end of the day we all go to bed thinking about our own selves.


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