Sunday, January 12, 2014

The Great Puzzle.

“I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.”
-Lewis Carroll, Alice In Wonderland

I’m slowly inching towards one year of sobriety. I can’t believe it’s been that long since I’ve picked up a drink, smoked a bowl, snorted anything (besides saline) or taken any kind of pills to transmute my thoughts. I’ve lived this past year dedicating myself to my 12-step program, seeing a psychiatrist/therapist, a drug councilor, and a spiritual advisor- attempting to better my emotional well being & myself. At times I’ve felt I’m completely on the right path, & at times I veer off the road & felt lost- yearning like Alice to have the Mad Hatter to give me the answer to the riddle instead of trying to figure it out myself.
It’s so difficult to distinguish pain- when you suffer from bipolar disorder- whether it’s your own fault or the disease’s. After this year of “healing”, I’ve learned that I can’t take anything for granted. I know for sure that if I don’t commit myself fully to my program of staying clean/sober, taking my medication, eating properly, sleeping well & exercising that I’ll fall down the rabbit hole. Mostly I’ve learned that if I’m not honest with myself then I paralyze myself.
The most difficult part of this year has been forcing myself to feel feelings, to move through the pain instead of trying to bypass it. That was the best part about getting fucked-up: I could just depart from reality. A huge part of me misses that- the way you miss an abusive boyfriend: You know that he’s bad for you, but you keep going back for more- because it’s familiar & in that there’s safety. It’s merely a distraction. It’s such a paradox: I want to call myself away from pain yet I insist upon it. I stink at masochism. I keep looking for ways in which to quickly fill this void inside me (*insert penis joke here- oh, the irony!) instead of doing the doing, being patient & having faith. I feel gross quoting the Bible but it's true, faith without works is dead.
So, almost a year. I’ve learned so much & so little. I’m the exact same person yet unconditionally transformed. I want to walk in the light but curiously peek into the shadows. At least I want to live. In the words of (my ultimate heroine) Buffy The Vampire Slayer, said before she saved the world (again), “…the hardest thing in this world, is to live in it. Be brave. Live.”
This year has been about being brave, & trying to live.


Anonymous said...

I admire your fight and have also found vices distractions and an easy way out but with a depressing, heavy aftertaste. I try to no longer deceive myself, but still every so often want a taste too. Hardly suggesting anything, but lately I've found hitting an empty bowl just for whatever resin is left inside enough of an escape for me and as seldom as that is seems to keep me as sensitive to the progress as I am to the abuse.

Anonymous said...

I secretly have what you have. I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder years ago..with anxiety in a large way I am so happy for you that you do have a loving family. I have a family that is very limited and loves conditionally. I feel every haunting thing that you have felt Claire. Gone through the drugs and booze thing....and try these days to show nothing is wrong. I lie really well. I hate feeling reliant on an abusive I say nothing. I have children struggling to be adults... . so I say nothing. I have a fantastic husband who has nursed me through a physical illness for the past 6 now that this "evil" has reared it's ugly head again....I say nothing.
I hate it when I wake up. I am tired of fighting a twenty year battle with something I cannot beat...perhaps keep at bay...but it follows me...mocks I wait. For what, I dont know. I feel like a ghost. I almost wish this physical illness took me out. It almost did..and I guess I should be grateful that it didn't...but I dont. I think the physical illness gave this "evil" a way back in. It is always there, but sometimes lets me believe my life is getting better. That lasts for about a year tops...then laughs it's ass off at me...while it pins me down.
The positive thing about today is... I don't feel alone...but sad that someone else is going through this to extent that I am. This is severe...and no drug works. Not for long anyhow.
Thank you for your posts!! I dont have any bullshit magical words for you...but YOU too are not alone. I know you wont care... I just means hell exists.
I hope you stop suffering Claire.

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