Tuesday, February 4, 2014


Professor Henry Jones: Elsa never really believed in the grail. She thought she'd found a prize.
Indiana Jones: And what did you find, Dad?
Professor Henry Jones: Me? Illumination.

Remember a couple of years ago, when I did that stunt-fiction project/blog called The One Year Manbbatical? It’s been coming up a lot lately for several reasons, which I won’t bore you with. It’s been at the forefront of my mind & I’ve had to sift through my related blog-posts & interviews based on the subject.
It was such a novel idea, & could’ve had such a positive personal & emotional impact on my life. Did I intend on also using it as a tool for publicity for my stand-up & my career in general? Yes. But these things became the forefront of it’s culmination instead of “discovering who I was” as a single woman. In that sense, it’s a shame I wasted such a great opportunity.
I’ve always got something going on with a dude. Whether I’m sleeping with him, dating him, or even just have a flirtation going on with him- there’s always something to make me feel wanted or needed. In the past year of recovery, I realize that often it’s just about distraction. I have a list of dudes that I’ve “been” with. It’s upsetting to see how little I actually knew (or wanted to know) about most of them. I used them as a tool to make me feel good about myself- to validate myself. I usually replace their personality with their level of hotness or talent or ambition. What’s that? You like baseball & can make me laugh? You’re in.
Throughout the Manbbatical, I fell in love with two separate men. One of them I essentially started seeing (without sex- which is TOUGH). When I was finished with the project, I hopped into bed with a willing participant, because I needed to get LAID. Instead of thinking through any lessons that I might have learned, all I cared about was getting railed. What exactly did I learn from my year-long-dick-diet?
I told someone once that I had previously quit drinking for a year on 2 separate occasions, but (at that time) did not consider myself an alcoholic. They told me that nobody quits drinking for no reason. This got me thinking: what does it say about me if I had to quit fucking for a year? How many outlets do I abuse in order to circumvent my actual feelings?
This is not to say I’m off dating or fucking now. I did my time & whether or not it was helpful then is but remembrance.
Maybe it’s because I’m older now & I (think) I want something different. I’d like to be able to see a man for who he is, what he has to offer & what I can bring to the relationship. It’s less about me just wanting to get off or having something shiny dangling from my arm. It’s not about me fixing him or him fixing me. It’s about what we can do together. Am I in a good place to start seeing somebody? No. not really. Will I ever be? I’ve been asking myself that question for years.


Anonymous said...

Sex is good! Damn, you are hard on yourself.

Anonymous said...

It's never a good time to start anything. If everybody waited for the right time, nothing good would ever happen... at least not this often. Sometimes you just gotta take a chance and cannonball into the pool instead of just dipping your toes in.

Anonymous said...

Just that you are thinking about this from this perspective shows serious growth and progress. It reiterates that we are ALWAYS growing and changing, it is never too late despite how we may feel at moments. Your self reflection (in my opinion) is expanding in all the right directions (i had read a few of the manbattical posts back then, and have been reading most of your posts in the last year). You will know if you are ready for a relationship, and I bet the next one you have will be so much more rewarding in so many ways bc it will probably fulfill you emotionally and mentally AS WELL AS physically. Learning from past behaviours, thinking first and being cautious is NOT what I call being hard on yourself, and is not "wasting time", sounds like you have done your fair share of "cannonballing" and its amazing sometimes to stop, slow down and make educated decisions so that you can be true to yourself, and your big picture goals, as opposed to moment to moment cravings! I say well done! But that's just me :)

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