Sunday, March 16, 2014

TIMEQUAKE

“I didn't need a timequake to teach me being alive was a crock of shit. I already knew that from my childhood and crucifixes and history books.”
― Kurt Vonnegut, Timequake


I recently celebrated a birthday. I’m older than I wish I were, but there’s not much to be done about it. I’ve been delusively thinking about where I am in my life, as opposed to where I thought I’d be. I always assume happy people don’t question their position in life but I’m also extremely ignorant.
I think about what advice I would’ve given to the 20 year old me if I had the capability to make my blood flow in reverse. Would any of it have helped? Take school more seriously, don’t fuck that douchebag, drink & get high less, save your money… The sad reality is that I love over-indulgence when it comes to fun, drugs, booze, men, spending money and food. Could any sermon or diatribe from an old(ish) “lady” have changed any of that? Would I really be willing to give up all the fun that I had?
I look at my life now, which consists mostly of “trying to do the next best thing”. It’s been a long, hard winter. I know I’ll come out on the other end of it, but getting there is beyond painful. The good news is that I don’t wake up every morning with the feeling of an albatross around my neck trying to strangle me to death. That’s progress, right? I know my (professional) goals are within my reach, though most nights I go to bed alone.
I often wonder why happiness is so illusive to me while sadness is completely palpable. I’ve loved more than I’ve resented. Therein may lay my problem. Maybe if I’d been less forgiving or toughened up I’d have a sea of flames under my ass- giving me less time to ponder my destiny & only time to actually achieve it.
I read the book Timequake by Kurt Vonnegut when I was in my early 20’s. It’s one of his lesser-known books but my favorite one. The idea is that the world stops, & everyone must relive the past 10 years of their lives exactly how it happened the 1st time- nothing can change. I often ask myself: would I do it all again? Even if it meant going through what I’ve been through?
Yes. Yes, I would.
So what does that say about my life as it stands? It must mean that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, even though I rarely see it that way.

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