Wednesday, April 23, 2014


"I'll try to break your back
You'll try to make amends
Curse softly to me baby
And smother me in your love"

-My Curse, Afghan Whigs

There’s an old adage that says, “You can pick your friends, & you can pick your nose. But you can’t pick your friend’s nose.” Guess what else I can’t pick? Dudes I love.
I was just lying in bed trying to sleep & instead of counting sheep; I was counting dudes that I love, unrequitedly. None of my friends can understand it. Not to blow smoke up my own ass, but it’s not like I can’t get a man to go out with me. It’s simply that the ones I want to go out with me, won’t. Or can’t- because they’re taken. I’ve often thought of the one man who’s fluted in & out of my life for years who’s married that I refer to as a passing ship in the night. He’s the perfect man, but we just never got it together- either I was dating someone or he was, & now he’s living very happily with his partner. How could I have let him slip through my fingers? I just never held on tightly enough, when I could have.
I also have a passion for dicks. Men who say & do horrible things to me- things I don’t deserve, but I’m dying for them to love me.
The ones who do like me, I never care for enough, if at all. Why am I so self-sabotaging?
I feel like in the past year & a half, I’ve made some pretty great strides in terms of self-improvement. I just can’t seem to get it right in the romance department.
There are many reasons not to get involved with me: I get clinically depressed. I’m super forgetful. I can be extremely selfish. I’m lazy. I’m vain. I’m a name-dropping-star-fucker. But there are good things about me: I’m loyal to a fault. If I love you then I would bury a body for you, no questions asked. If you hate someone, I’ll hate them by proxy. (That last one may not seem mature, but I never claimed to be…) I have big boobs & great cheekbones. I’ll forgive you anything. I’ll never shit-talk you, & only ever sing your praises. I’ll do whatever I can to help you. I’m really quite sexual.
I can’t complain about a dry-spell because it’s my own fault. Fault? Maybe I’m just not ready for something real, yet. It’s so gross to hear, “you have to love yourself before you love somebody else” but you do have to get right with yourself. I feel like I’m getting right with myself. Perhaps I have further to go. Indeed I do.
I’d just like to get right with someone. Me, & someone. I love being alone but sometimes the loneliness is palpable. I can fuck somebody, that’s easy. What’s not easy for me anymore is actually being with someone. I wouldn’t even know where to begin anymore. They say that love comes when you’re not looking for it but it’s all I see. I could name 5 men off the top of my head that I have insane crushes on right now. Is that normal?
Why can’t I just be normal? Maybe if I were, I’d be having great sex & not hoping the guy would leave right after instead of writing this blog, alone, in my apartment on a chilly Wednesday night.


Trevor Tynes said...

Another magnificent post. I "get" it and you're not alone. I could spew off a plethora of nauseating clich├ęs, but through experience, I know that they are all make me want to hit someone. Wait, I think "you're not alone" is one of them. Dammit! Now I have to hit someone. You're crazy and loving. Guess what? They're one in the same and a perfect combination. Keep doing what you're doing....and yes, your cheekbones are great.

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