Monday, May 5, 2014


 Lately I’ve found myself in certain situations thinking, “I deserve more than this”. This isn’t an entitlement; it’s simply a knowing from deep inside that I can do better.
I have a history of self-sabotaging. This goes from my abuse of drugs & alcohol, smoking cigarettes, eating like shit, not exercising, & fucking creeps. It’s got everything to do with me not reaching my maximum potential. Doing what needs to be done rather than doing what I feel like. I’m trying to get better, but doing the work isn’t easy- thus the old cliché, “if it’s worth having, it’s worth fighting for”. It gets exhausting fighting for everything & often I feel like throwing in the towel. Then I think about what my life could be like & I put up my fists for another round. This isn’t to say my life isn’t good right now- I’ve been blessed with many fortunes I often feel I don’t deserve. You see? Therein lay my trouble. I know I deserve a good life but when it presents me with such I feel inadequate or undeserving. How I wish I could have a clear goal without letting questions or judgments cloud my path. My friends have often repeated that I really don’t make it easy for myself.
It may not seem so, but there is a quick fix to this: thinking before I act. I find when I take a few extra moments to just think before I say or do something it makes all the difference. Unfortunately I love instant gratification. It’s difficult to remember that life doesn’t happen the way you think it might or hope it will, & it certainly never happens on your terms. It never happens all at once, but uncovers itself just the way it is supposed to. I can only control what I can control, the rest is up to the universe (not to sound like a flake, this is just the belief of 1 “lady”).
If I don’t want to find myself in bed with a douche, I probably shouldn’t get naked with him. If I want to feel more energized & limber, I should probably eat for fuel & work out. If I don’t want to have a disgusting cough & smell gross, I should quit smoking. If I don’t want to feel terrible, I should stop putting myself in terrible situations. The rest will come.
I know what makes me feel good- that, that doesn’t hurt me or anyone else. We all know these things. It’s not rocket-surgery.
The bottom line is, if I deserve better, than make it better. It’s as simple as that. Complicating things is a cop-out to not get my shit done. I don’t want to settle. This life is amazing & I plan to squeeze all of the goodness out of it that I possibly can.


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