Friday, June 27, 2014


“…I would not be just a nuffin'
My head all full of stuffin'
My heart all full of pain
I would dance and be merry
Life would be a ding-a-derry
If I only had a brain.”

-Harold Arlen & E.Y.Harburg

All my life I’ve been told that I’m a “smart girl”. Would a smart girl pour crazy-glue onto the back of her iPhone? Would a smart girl fuck a man she barely knows & finds repulsive? Would a smart girl dig into desserts that might be filled with nuts, knowing the consequence of ingesting said nuts is death?

When I think of all the idiotic things I do, it’s mind-blowing. Though I’m not quite sure it’s stupidity or the lack/disregard of foresight. I never think. I’m all about “if it feels good, do it” & rarely do I stop to consider what the ramifications will be. Sometimes I have these moments where I feel transported out of my body, & I orbit around myself like a moon looking down at my behavior, shaking my head in dismay. I want to SCREAM at myself, “CLAIRE! STOP DOING WHAT YOU’RE DOING! YOU KNOW IT’S NOT GOOD FOR YOU OR ANYONE ELSE INVOLVED! IT’S NOT TOO LATE! YOU CAN JUST STOP!” But do I stop?

Pretty much never.

Even though I’m taking responsibility for my addiction & mental health (which I realize is huge) there’s some innate desire within me to destroy what might be good. I say things I shouldn’t, I do things that are worse. There are better ways of making sure I have a bowel movement in the morning besides coffee & cigarettes. There is a healthier way to stay thin other than starving myself. There are men who aren’t married that are kind & sweet & willing to be with me. There are ways to enjoy life beyond spending every penny that I have. There are ways to fix an iPhone that don’t involve crazy-glue.

I realize I sound like I’m crucifying myself & that’s not my intention. I just want to think before I act. Just take a deep breath before I answer someone’s question while I’m guesting on a podcast instead of just blurting out the first thing that pops into my mind. Telling a disgusting dude that’s it’s time for him to go instead of blowing him & saying yes to him spending the night. Eating a piece of fruit in the morning & going to the gym instead of chain-smoking & shaking like a leaf from a lack of nutrients. I am a grown-ass woman for godsakes. When am I actually going to grow up? It’s one thing to be a “kid at heart”, it’s quite another to act childish.

The thing is, this is such an easy problem to solve. I could do it right now. I could simply change my behavior from here on out. And I will. As soon as I finish this coffee & cigarette & get this gross, married stranger out of my apartment.


@ThatRachelH said...

I swear I'm not a stalker, creepy or otherwise, but I liked you on Big Issue Little Issue, followed you on Twitter, saw your link to this post and now I'm here.

As someone who has been dealing with depression of varying levels of severity for many years, may I suggest you don't tell yourself that the problem of the desire to destroy something good is easy to solve? You'll just be harder on yourself when you slip up. My self-initiated failures are small and quiet but still destructive in their own way and every time I beat myself up for doing it again. And I'm middle aged and boring and married and a mother and I fail at this on a more regular basis than I care to admit.

Be conscious in your thoughts, happy in your victories and gentle with yourself in set backs. I'm working on that.

Totally unsolicited advice I know, and I apologize if it's unwelcome but every now and then I can't click past a comment box.

ClaireElyse Brosseau said...

thank you so much for the comment and the support!
sincerely, claire

ahmed ibrahim said...

Wow Claire, your post is so raw and exposed. That must take a lot of guts but there is artistry here.... Pretty cool.

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