Friday, July 25, 2014


“…Sending you Forget Me Nots
To help me to remember
Baby please forget me not
I want you to remember…”
Patrice Rushen, “Forget Me Not”

If you read my blog on a regular basis or have ever skimmed through it, you are probably aware that a little over a year and a half ago, I underwent a series of Electroconvulsive Therapy treatments (ECT or AKA: electroshock therapy). There has been extensive research on the treatment itself, but the mechanism of action (the specific biochemical interaction through which a drug substance produces its pharmacological effect) remains elusive. Beyond that, the degree of effectiveness, duration of effect, remission and risks are inconclusive.
For the past over 20 months, I have deliberated about if I ever should’ve undergone such intense therapy, but there’s nothing to be done about it now. I will tell you that the main issue/side effect for me has been the memory-loss I suffered & the remembrances I cannot still/ever get back.
It’s probably important to know that almost immediately after I was done with the treatment, I was getting drunk & high on a very regular basis for the following two months. My brain & body were still tender from the therapy, & it’s very possible I fucked harshly with my physical chemistry.
So now there are huge chunks of holes in my memory/life that will most likely never be recovered. Should this affect me alone that would be one thing, but there are so many people I run into on a regular basis (it occurs at least once a week) who I have no recollection of & it makes me seem like a giant dick. This happens not only in social circles, but professional ones- comics, casting directors, fellow writers, etc… People say hello to me in a warm, familiar fashion & I have no clue who they are or how I know them. I usually pretend and try to play it cool but I’m sure my hesitancy shows & comes off seemingly dismissive or callous.
So I call out to you, people of earth: Should we have met before in my former life & I see you & I seem to have forgotten you or that I don’t care to speak to you, I’m sorry! PLEASE don’t take it personally. It doesn’t mean we never shared good times or that you aren’t/weren’t important to me. If I seem confused or dickish I implore you to not think twice about it. It makes me sad to think I might have hurt your feelings but even more upset to be unaware of that.
Months ago I wrote a post similar to this, but it keeps happening. A huge amount of my memory is gone from the last 4 (or so) years of my life. Living in LA seems like it was all a dream & the people I hadn’t seen since before I left are like strangers to me now. I couldn’t be more sorry. Forget the fact that I haven’t been able to do stand-up since then (I’ve forgotten my entire act) or that I feel legitimately altered in a weird way, that my eyes see the world differently & my capacity to remember (even NOW) has been significantly diminished.
If I act like I don’t know you, that doesn’t necessarily make it so.
And I’m sorry.


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