Friday, August 1, 2014


“…And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself
Well...How did I get here?...”
Talking Heads Once In A Lifetime

When I was still performing stand-up comedy, I had the great honor to play Toronto’s Massey Hall. I promised myself that I would take a moment before I launched into my set to take it all in: the grandeur of the theatre, the crowd, the sounds, smells, and the palpability of where my career had taken me.
I did take that moment & it was one of the most memorable, lovely occasions of my lifetime. As soon as my set was done & I pranced off the stage, I proceeded to down 4 glasses of champagne & smoke a huge blunt. I was completely obliterated in my celebration.
Do you ever look around yourself & wonder how you got there? Question how all of the events in your life led up to this moment? I remember being at my drug-dealer’s house in LA while he showed me his collection of guns. I remember my ex-boyfriend telling me he’d packed up all of his things & was leaving me. I hadn’t even noticed our apartment was half-empty. I remember my mother holding my hand before every single electroshock therapy treatment. I can still feel her skin on mine. I remember holding my darling niece for the 1st time thinking my heart might crack through my ribcage for it was so filled with love. I remember catching 2 baseballs in 1 game. I remember taking a shower in LA & seeing the palm trees through my bathroom window. I remember throwing a rose onto my friend’s coffin. I remember getting my 1st period & being convinced the dried blood was actually the result of me unknowingly shitting my pants.
I’m always questioning what life is about rather than just living it & letting it happen. I often feel as though I’m biding my time until the next real moment happens. I’m so concerned with happened yesterday or what tomorrow may bring. All we have is today. I have so many fond, weird, & awful memories & thus has woven the fabric of my life. Why do I always want to cut it up into small patches? I should lay under it like a blanket, to keep me safe & warm. 
I’ve come this far, after all.


Anonymous said...

Yesterday is but a dream,
Tomorrow is only a vision,
But today well lived makes every yesterday
a dream of happiness
And every tomorrow
a vision of hope.

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