Tuesday, May 31, 2016

RED: I SEE MY SOUL ON FIRE.

“…You fuck the world damn straight malaise
It may be just us who feel this way
But don’t ever doubt this, my steadfast conviction
My love, you’re the one I want to watch the ship go down with…”
I Love You Honeybear, Father John Misty

I was pretty sure my heart had been annihilated by my ex. I went eleven months without looking at another man, without feeling sexual, being sure that I would remain single for the rest of my lonely life. I felt at ease with this decision that had been bestowed upon me. I have baseball, friends, family, books, films and TV, and my career to keep me occupied. For eleven months I had room in my brain to focus on nothing but these things. Though I felt detached, I was okay with being single. I didn’t even WANT a partner. I kept me eyes to the ground amidst the plethora of hot dudes at the gym, in the streets, at bars… But as one of my favorite songwriter/artists Daniel Johnston sings so beautifully, “True Love Will Find You In The End”. I’m not saying I’ve found “true love”, but I have met someone, and it’s turned my world upside down. I won’t say too much about him (for the sake of not outing him) but I will say that the red flags that he harbors are staggering. This is not a dig. Dude has a lot of baggage. BUT LOOK WHO’S TALKING.
Once you get to a certain age, it’s impossible that you meet someone without issues. But how many is too many? When I talked to my shrink about him, she flat-out started laughing at me. Not with me. There is no good reason for this gentleman and I to be into each other. Quite literally the situation couldn’t be more complicated if we tried. But we are, and it’s an intense kind of love that I haven’t felt in a very long time. If you read my blog, you know that I’m a hopeless romantic who easily falls in love. But as you also know, I have a dangerous habit of idolizing men, somehow/sometimes getting said men to sleep with me, and then I’M IN IT. I confuse talent for personality. I only see what they are capable of creatively, and my vision of how they treat me is clouded by their artistic skill. This man is different. This is definitely not to say that he’s not supremely talented- he is. But that’s not what I like about him. He’s got the kindest, most open heart I’ve known in decades.  It’s not just about jokes and sex and sports talk. He’s real. He’s interested in what and how I’m doing. He has a very clear understanding of my illness and isn’t scared by it. He knows my past and loves me for it, instead of using it as an excuse to keep me at arm’s length. His voice is like a soothing medication and his love is so big it fills me up.
Back to the red flags. Am I an idiot for ignoring them? Do I simply see them as a challenge, now? Or am I able to simply accept that we all have our issues, and let my shrink laugh as she might? I’ve told some of my girlfriends about him, and they shake their heads in dismay. Let me be clear: he’s not an addict, nor is he abusive. His can of worms isn’t dangerous in the way that I could get hurt physically. He’s just led a full life and just like me, has made some wrong turns. How can I begrudge him for that? He’s thoughtful and there are no games. Can’t I just love him for who he is now, instead of looking back at the past? The past doesn’t necessarily make us wiser, but we are beholden to our future. I have to protect my heart. I need a case for it. Right now, this man makes me feel like it might beat itself out of my chest. And I say fuck those red flags. 
See you next post when my heart’s shattered again! (J.K. *I hope.)


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